


i guess that's love (i can't pretend)

by mindelan



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: 5 + 1, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Sexual Content, Mild Smut, Nightmares, POV Alternating, Post-Canon Fix-It, Sharing a Bed, Sickfic, technically it's 10 + 1 but, this is basically a 5 + 1 fic that turned into something bigger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-15 21:39:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11814696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mindelan/pseuds/mindelan
Summary: Cassian and Jyn quickly figure out how difficult it is to hide things from each other.Or, five times Jyn tries to keep something from Cassian, five times Cassian tries to keep something from Jyn, and one time they don't even bother with anything except the truth.





	1. jyn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i should just start saying at the beginning of every fic "hi my name is libby and all of my titles are from song lyrics"
> 
> anyway, today's title is brought to you by tom odell from his song "can't pretend"

**i.**

When Jyn sees Cassian waiting for her in the hangar bay, she forgets all about the enormous bruise covering half of her face. Instead, she grins and waves him over as if nothing's wrong while she begins to unload the cargo from their last mission.

That turns out to be a mistake.

The worry in his eyes is evident once he gets closer. He tilts up her chin to the light when she sets down a crate next to him, probing her cheek for any broken bones. “Hello to you too,” she grumbles, pulling away from his scrutiny.

“I was worried about you,” he says simply, pulling her into a hug. His head rests on top of her own and she buries his face into his chest. Force, she had missed him. When she pulls away, his eyes linger on her bruise. “What happened to your face?”

“I fell,” she lies easily, leaving him to walk back into the cargo bay. He raises an eyebrow, not believing her. She groans, “It’s fine, Cass.”

He makes himself comfortable against the side of the ship, evidently waiting for her to finish up, and she scowls. “You know, we’ll get to the room a lot faster if you help me.”

“Trying to get the higher ups to do all for the work for you, huh, Erso?” Kes calls from farther back in the ship and laughs when she flips him off. “Wow. Absolutely no respect for your commanding officer.”

“I only respect those worth respecting, Dameron,” she retorts with a grin of her own, carrying out another box to where Cassian is standing. He snags her arm before she can grab another. “Cassian -- “

“What really happened, Jyn?”

“She saved my back,” Kes says, bringing out the last of the crates and leaning up against it. He pauses. “Creatively, I’ll admit, but in hindsight, I probably should have been more clear when I told her to cover me.”

_“Kes -- “_

_“Jyn -- “_

She huffs, crossing her arms over her chest. “Fine, fine! But this whole thing is Kes's fault, not mine.”

“How the hell is it my fault that you -- “

“We got caught up by a bunch of ‘troopers,” she interrupts loudly, cutting him off with a deadly glare. He makes the smart decision to stay quiet. “They backed us up in an alley and the only way out was through.”

“So you were hit by a stormtrooper,” Cassian nods. “Why couldn’t you have just said that in the first place?”

“Well, I mean, that’s not really what happened. Yeah, one of them got me in the face but that’s because. . “ she scratches the back of her neck then glances up at Cassian. “You’re going to be upset with me.”

He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Stars, Jyn, just _tell_ me.”

“Like I was saying, we had to fight our way through. We took care of most of them and everything was fine until Kes,” she shoots another glare his way, who raises his hands in surrender, “turns to make some sort of joke -- “

“In my defense, it was a good one -- ”

Jyn continues as if he hadn’t interrupted. “So he turns his back to the entrance to say it and there’s another ‘trooper entering the alley. . .and I might have tackled them to the ground instead of shooting them with my blaster.”

She spits the last part out so quickly that she’s not even sure it registers in Cassian’s mind until he looks at her incredulously. Kes takes that as his cue to leave. Neither of them notice him sneak off.

“You decided to tackle a stormtrooper,” Cassian says, holding up a hand when she opens her mouth. “I don’t need to tell you how incredibly kriffing stupid that is, do I?”

Jyn shifts her weight to her other foot, a blush beginning to work its way up her cheeks. She tries to defend herself. “I didn’t think. I just did it.”

“What if they would have killed you, Jyn?” he replies softly, reaching out to grab her shoulder.

She bites her lip, unable to look him in the eyes. “I’m fine, Cassian. It’s just a bruise.”

He sighs, gives her one last look, then pulls her into a tight hug. “I know. But I worry about you.”

“It’ll take more than a stormtrooper to take me down,” she reassures him, rubbing his back. “I’ll be more careful in the future, okay?”

“Somehow I doubt that,” he mutters, squeezing her tighter. “But I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless.”

**ii.**

Jyn only starts fights for good reasons.

Whether it’s due to an unwelcome touch, because of an insult, for an op, or maybe even just because she wants to, there’s always something justifying why she’s beating up another person.

Lately, there's been whispers surrounding her. About her being half-Imperial, about her father building the Death Star, about her criminal background. And there's even a rumor going around saying that she's only sleeping with Cassian to work her way up the ranks. When asked about it, she lies and tells him that it doesn't bother her. She's heard it all and worse already, though it stings a bit more when it comes from who she's fighting for.  

But she's never done anything about it, despite that. It's just easier to ignore them and continue on with her day. 

This changes when she slams her fist into the face of the man standing behind her in the mess line. 

It’s early. Cassian’s in a debrief with Draven; he’s leaving later that morning but promised to meet up with them at breakfast to say goodbye. Chirrut and Baze are sitting at their usual table, so that leaves her waiting in line for food with Bodhi. 

Bodhi’s telling her about how he and Luke had trained together yesterday. She's only half-listening, since it’s too early to be up anyway, when the rebel behind them cuts into their conversation with a snide, “You two _Imps_ have no business being here in the Rebellion.”

Bodhi stops talking and Jyn turns slowly, glaring at the man. “Yeah? Says who?”

“Says all the people he killed during his time with the Empire,” he retorts, jerking his thumb in Bodhi’s direction. "Why should I believe he's on our side now?"

“I was just a shuttle pilot!” Bodhi yelps, shrinking away from the man. Jyn takes a step forward, seeing red. Her hands clench into fists -- suddenly she’s not that tired anymore. “I didn’t kill anyone!”

“He’s with the Rebellion now and so am I,” she practically growls. “Leave him the fuck alone, you bastard.”

“And you,” the man sneers, swinging his attention back in her direction. “What about all the people on Alderaan who were only killed because of your father’s invention? You ever think about them? All that death because of your kriffing family -- “

He’s still talking when Jyn slams her fist into his face. There’s a crunch when the man stumbles back, she realizes with some satisfaction, though it’s short-lived when he swings right back at her.

Nobody’s concerned about waiting in line anymore. Instead, a circle forms around the two of them as Jyn darts away from his strike. The man spits blood onto the ground, then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “You’ll pay for that, you Imperial bitch!”

“You’ll have actually hit me, then,” Jyn retorts, slamming her knee up into his stomach. He groans, taking a step back as he presses an arm against it. Vaguely, she can make out cheers around her, but the pounding of her heart makes it hard to hear anything clearly.

While the man recovers, she risks a look back for Bodhi. He’s out of the circle and away from the fight, but he’s yelling something that she can’t understand, and it’s that distraction that slows her reflexes when the man charges her.

Jumping to the side a little too late, she goes down in a tangle of limbs, knocking her head back against the tile floor. She sees stars for a second before regaining her senses. He’s pinning her down, trying to get a punch in. She kicks him in the groin and he rolls off of her with a cry of pain as she clambers back to her feet.

Jyn’s ready to finish it, the adrenaline in her veins causing her to surge forward for one last punch, but someone grabs her arms and heaves her back. “Not now, little sister,” Baze mutters in her ear as she tries to struggle away from him. “You've done enough damage.”

"I'll stop when he takes back what he said," she seethes, but is cut off when some higher up strides into the mess with a recruit on his heels. She has no idea who he is, but by the looks of it, he outranks everyone there.

"What the hell is going on here?" The man snaps. With some satisfaction, Jyn notices that he looks at her opponent first and openly gapes at the sight of him.

"There was a disagreement," Jyn spits, looking down at the man on the floor. 

She’s still shaky from the adrenaline but holds her chin high when he orders the two of them to come with him. Her head is pounding and her knuckles are bloodied, but it doesn't matter, not since she kicked his ass.

Still riding the high from her win, she doesn't notice Cassian walking down the hallway toward him. He mutters something to the other man, then takes her by the arm and drags her away from them. 

"What the hell were you thinking?" he hisses, once they're out of earshot. "You can't just go around and start picking fights!" 

She tries for innocence even though she knows she'll fail. "I wasn't fighting." 

He grabs her hand roughly, holding it up in the light. "Really? Explain this, then." 

"It's from sparring," she says, tugging her hand back. "I forgot to wrap my hands." 

"Bantha shit," he snaps, throwing his hands up in the air. "You know how much work I'm going to have to do to keep you out of trouble because of this?" 

"Don't, then!" she replies hotly. "He deserved it! He insulted Bodhi and my father, so I'm glad I punched him. Besides," she says, turning away from him. "Don't you have a flight to catch?" 

Cassian barely flinches at her words, but she doesn't take them back. This is the final straw, she thinks. This is where he realizes that she's more trouble than she's worth, and it would be easier just to leave her behind. 

But when he doesn't leave, doesn't storm off, she faces him with furrowed brows. "Go. I don't want you to be late because you have to do damage control.

" _Stop._ " He says, anger lacing his tone. Then he sighs, running his fingers through his hair. It's messy now, but she likes it that way. "I didn't know he said that, okay? Some recruit came running into the meeting and all she said was that you had thrown a punch in the mess hall." 

"I'm not going to apologize," she says slowly. 

"I don't expect you to," he responds evenly. "You should have said something, Jyn. Tell me next time someone says something to you, or to Bodhi, hell, even to Chirrut or Baze. I'll deal with it." 

"I don't need you fighting my battles, Cassian," she retorts, crossing her arms. "I can handle myself." 

"By the looks of that other guy, clearly," he mutters. "Listen, just try not to get into anymore fights, okay? I know you can hold your own, but. . .I worry. At the very least, do it for me." 

"No promises," she shoots back. "But -- I'll try."

"Good enough," he concedes, then slings an arm over her shoulders. "Since you mentioned it earlier, I do have to leave. Come with me to the hangar?" 

She nods and they walk together in silence. Once they're there, he cups her face in his hands. "Try to stay out of trouble, all right?"

A sly grin works its way across her face. "Next time, someone says something, there won't be a fight. I'll make sure of that when I punch them so hard they don't get back up." 

"You're hopeless," he groans, but grabs her in a tight hug all the same. "Be careful while I'm gone." 

"I always am." 

**iii.**

This is familiar: their hands are all over each other, she can’t get enough of him, his shirt is off, and she’s already lying on her back with him hovering over her.

This is different: the lights are still on, he’s taking his time, exploring her body with his lips, taking off her shirt and breast band with expert precision, and looking down at her with wonder in his eyes.

When Cassian kisses the burn scars on her collarbone, the scars from Scarif, Jyn flinches.

She hopes he doesn’t notice, but he does. His eyes are full of concern as he scrambles up to a sitting position between her legs. “Jyn?” His accent grows thicker with each word. “Did I hurt you? Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” she says with a smile that hopefully doesn’t look too much like a grimace. He looks skeptical, but lets her tug him back down for another kiss. When she slips one hand into his pants, squeezing him gently, he moans into her mouth.

Immediately she calms, ready to take care of him. This is what is she knows -- it’s what she’s good at. But Cassian stops her as she reaches lower with a small shake of his head. “Let me touch you tonight, Jyn.”

She freezes. He notices.

_Damn spy._

He cups her face in his hands, searching intently in her eyes. “Jyn. What’s wrong?”

He’s so tender with her that she could cry. Nobody has ever treated her this kindly, nobody has ever even thought about her this way. It’s almost too much.

_(when she does inevitably let a few tears fall, he doesn’t say anything, just kisses wetness away.)_

“Nobody’s ever done this. For me,” she manages, her cheeks already red with embarrassment. “And after Scarif, I’m. . .”

_Why would anyone ever want someone who looks like I do, all broken and ruined and rough skin where it should be soft?_

“I’m covered in scars,” she finishes weakly. “I’m a mess.”

It’s not just the burns that bother her. It’s a reminder of that day where so many people died. She wears it on her skin -- it’s her burden. Cassian shouldn’t be forced to remember it every time he looks at her. She shifts, trying to cover the worst of it with her hands.

He stops her.

“You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen,” Cassian says firmly, waiting until she looks him in the eyes. “Your scars are beautiful because they’re a part of you, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

He kisses her again, softer, more gentle. When he pulls away, he searches her face. “I don’t have to do this if you’re not comfortable,” he murmurs. “Whatever you want.”

Force, she does not deserve him.

“I want you,” she says after a beat. Her heart’s racing, but she trusts him. “But slowly.”

He dips his head in acknowledgement. “Of course.”

He starts at her neck, careful of the scars there. When he kisses lower, tongue running over the scars on her collarbone and shoulder, she gasps, fingers curling in the bed sheets.

“Is this all right?” he murmurs from where he’s kneeling and Jyn knows that if she wants him to stop, he will without hesitation.

But she doesn’t.

“Yes,” she whispers, watching him make his progress down her body. His fingers brush over her nipples oh so softly and it makes her toes curl when he takes one in his mouth, kneading her other breast with his hand.

As he kisses the burns on her stomach, he’s whispering something in Festian that she can’t understand. He’s got his fingers hooked in her pants when he looks up again, unspoken question in his eyes. She nods mutely, biting her lip as she watches him finish undressing her.

She’s already wet for him when he moves even lower. He's barely touched her, but at this point she doesn't even care.

“Jyn,” he says, looking up at her from between her thighs. “I would like to taste you, if that’s okay.”

She nearly chokes at his question, throwing her head back against the pillows. It's as if he wants her to come undone without his help. “Force, Cassian -- _yes_.”

He laughs then, pressing a soft kiss to her inner thigh. “You are perhaps the most gorgeous woman in this galaxy.”

“You’re only saying that because your head is between my legs,” she shoots back, though there’s no heat in what she’s saying and her fists are clenched so tightly in the sheets she thinks her nails might be going right through them.

“No place I’d rather be,” he quips, looking up one last time before placing his mouth on her.

And after a few minutes of that, she thinks she believes him.

**iv.**

When faced with a snowstorm and a small, dark cave that seems to go on forever, Jyn _really_ wants to risk hypothermia.

After all, it's just a little snow. So what if she can barely see a foot in front of her and her face is stinging in the wind and she’s so kriffing cold that she thinks she’s going lose a couple limbs because of it?

No big deal.

She had eagerly accepted a chance to get off base with Cassian earlier that morning. What should have been an easy perimeter check turned into difficult situation when a blizzard came out of nowhere. Risk going back to base in the middle of the storm and possibly die on the way, or stick it out in a cave Cassian had found five minutes ago?

Cassian chose the latter; Jyn thought they should go back to base. Obviously, she lost that argument.

So here she is. Standing just barely in the entrance to a cave she really doesn’t want to go in, waiting for Cassian to finish scouting the back part of it. Technically, he had told her to try and find a good spot to spend the night, but she’s decided to wait for him at the front in case something goes wrong.

Here’s the thing -- she’s still cold. She knows that she should walk a few feet farther in the cave because it would be a hell of a lot warmer, but all she can think of is the cave on Lah’mu and the hours spent in the dark seeing her mother die over and over again and not knowing if her father was coming for her. All she can think about is when Saw left her with a blaster, sixteen and all alone, waiting two days until her rations ran out and she finally understood that Saw had left her behind. All she can think about is her cell on Wobani, small and cramped, where she was only let out occasionally and it seemed like the walls were always pressing in on her, closing tighter and tighter and all she can think about is Scarif, when they were in that small elevator waiting to die --

_Breathe._

She reaches up to her neck before she realizes her necklace is no longer there, then moves her fist to her sternum. Her breath is coming in fast pants and there’s black spots in front of her vision and hasn’t it been a long time since Cassian left where is he?

_You’re Jyn Erso. You’re not Tanith or Kestrel or Liana. You’re a sergeant in the Rebellion. You’re twenty-three years old. You’re not on Lah’mu, or in a bunker, or in a prison cell, or on Scarif. Cassian is here. You’re not alone._

She reaches out blindly, grabbing the cave wall for support. Her fingers are digging into it so tightly that she can feel the pain through her gloves, but it helps return her to her senses.

 _You’re on Hoth. There’s a snowstorm so you had to find shelter. It’s a cave. It’s just a cav_ e.

Tentatively, she takes a step forward. Then another and another. After about twenty steps, she finds herself unable to go any farther. The space before her is too dark, too small, too cramped.

So she sets down her pack where she is, then slides down against the wall. She sits with her knees pulled up to her chest and her hands tucked into her armpits, but she needs to be able to see the entrance, see that there's a way out.

“Jyn?”

“I found a good s-spot to spend the night,” she manages, ignoring the way her teeth chatter. Her eyes don’t leave the mouth of the cave.

He shakes his head. “It’s too cold here. We need to go farther in. I checked -- we’re the only ones here.”

“Right,” she agrees, but doesn’t move. Instead, she curls farther in on herself, trying to stay warm.

Maybe the snowstorm will end in the next five minutes.

Cassian moves to stand in her line of sight, cutting of her view from the entrance. She cranes her neck up to look at him. He doesn’t look as cold, but his breath is puffing on in front of him and his nose is bright red.

“Come on, Jyn,” he says, frustrated. He reaches out a hand to help her up, which she takes after a moment’s hesitation. “The longer we stay out here, the faster we’ll freeze.”

He tugs her forward, but her feet are rooted in their place and she can't move. It seems like the cave in front of them is shrinking, growing smaller and smaller, and she’s tugging her hand out of Cassian’s because the last thing she wants is to be crushed by a shit ton of rocks when she can just go outside --

“Jyn, look at me!”

Suddenly his hands are cupping her face and her vision refocuses. She’s on the ground -- she doesn’t remember falling -- and he’s kneeling next to her, worry evident on his face. “Focus on me. You need to breathe, okay?”

It takes her a minute before she’s all right again. She pulls away from him and puts her face in her hands. “I’m -- I’m sorry. We. . .we need to g-go.”

“Hey,” he murmurs, pulling her hands away gently. “What’s wrong? You completely froze up.”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“It’s obviously not nothing,” he replies evenly. “I thought you were going to pass out. Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine,” she assures him quickly. “Just. . .”

He waits, eyes searching hers for any hint that she’s lying. Nausea rolls in her stomach. She hates this -- she’s Jyn kriffing Erso who’s survived everything the Empire’s thrown at her and then some. She shouldn’t be afraid of a cave.

_And yet --_

“I can’t -- I don’t like small spaces. With everything that’s happened. . .” she struggles to explain herself but the words don’t come. He’d understand better if he knew about Saw and her mother and all of the cells she’s been thrown into, but her tongue is dry and she can’t speak.

He doesn’t make her. “All right,” he says, nodding to himself. “That’s fine -- it’s fine, Jyn. We’re going to have to move, though. We’ll go ask far back as you’re comfortable, okay?”

“Force,” she laughs, though it’s shaky and more of an exhale. “I don’t deserve you, Cass.”

He smiles at that, standing up and offering her his hand again. “You do,” he says when he hauls her up. “Of course you do.”

It’s easier with Cassian next to her. With each step she takes they’re farther and farther away from the entrance, but it doesn’t bother her as much as she thought it would. Eventually, though, she has to tell him to stop. It might be warmer farther in the cave, but this is going to have to do for the night.

They both strip to their underclothes methodically -- this isn’t the first mission they’ve had to share body heat on -- and arrange their coats into something that’s going to serve as their bed for the night. As soon as she slips underneath the covers, she curls into Cassian’s warmth, letting her cold fingers wander his bare torso.

“You’re freezing,” he mutters, batting her hands away. Jyn’s always been persistent, however, and doesn’t let that deter her.

“I feel better when I can touch you,” she responds with a laugh, pressing her cold toes up against his thighs. She can hear his groan resonate throughout the cave, which only makes her laugh harder.

“I was worried about you,” Cassian admits into the silence once she’s done giggling.

She snuggles closer, pressing her cold nose to his shoulder. “Don’t be. I’m okay.”

It surprises her, but it’s true. The fear’s still there, though every time in the next hour that it bubbles up and causes her breathing to quicken, Cassian tightens his arms around her and murmurs soothing words into her hair until it stops.

She falls asleep before he does, listening to the wind howling outside and deciding maybe this whole cave thing hadn’t been such a bad idea after all.

**v.**

“Bodhi. Bodhi Rook. I’m not _that_ drunk.”

“You weren’t until you challenged Han to a drinking contest, I’ll give you that,” Bodhi says, reaching out to steady her as she sways on her feet. She bats his hands away, perfectly capable of standing on her own.

“A drinking contest that I won,” she retorts, curling her fingers around the mug in her hands -- another drink that burns on the way down. Then, she raises her voice over the noise of the cantina, “because Solo doesn’t know how to hold his liquor!”

The aforementioned Han Solo is passed out at the table next to her, and while she knows that she really doesn’t need to yell, she feels like everyone there should know.

“Believe me, you’ll be joining him soon,” Bodhi mutters in response, plucking the drink out of her hands with the ease of someone who's hardly had any alcohol. “C’mon. We’re going to get you to bed.”

“I'm fine.“

“Don’t try, Jyn. You can barely stand on your own, let alone make it back to your room by yourself, and I’m tired. Wouldn’t you rather be warm in bed right now?”

“That does sound nice,” she mumbles, suddenly feeling a wave of exhaustion hit her like a brick. When he wraps his arm underneath her shoulder, she doesn’t resist, letting him lead her out of the cantina. They pass Leia on their way out, who’s sitting next to a snoring Han and looks very much like she’d rather be anywhere else.

Jyn gives her a sloppy salute. Bodhi asks if she needs any help with Han, but Leia says she’ll manage. Jyn doubts that, considering that the smuggler is nearly a foot taller than her, but Leia is a princess. That has to count for something.

Though as soon as she thinks that, she realizes that _perhaps_  she's drunker than she first realized.

To both Jyn and Bodhi’s relief, Cassian is in their room when they get there. Jyn stumbles to the bed while Bodhi watches from the doorway, amused.

“I’ll take it you had a good time?” Cassian asks dryly.

Her voice is muffled from the pillow she’s currently laying on, but that doesn’t hide the excitement in her voice. “I drank Han Solo under the table and I’m not drunk.”

“For some reason, I don’t believe you.”

Bodhi snorts. “I’m going to let you deal with her. Night, Jyn.”

She scrambles up in bed before he can leave, suddenly serious. There's something she should tell him before he leaves. “Bodhi Rook -- I need you to know that I would die for you.”

“That is. . .great,” he says, trying to keep a straight face. “Hopefully you won’t have to. I’m going to, ah, go to bed now.” He turns to Cassian before he leaves. “Don’t let her die for me.”

“I will do my very best,” Cassian replies, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. When Bodhi leaves, Jyn falls back against the bed again. “You need anything? Water?”

“You,” she says, raising up one hand to beckon him to the bed. “C’mere, Cass.”

“When you put it that way, how could I say no?” he teases, though sets down the file he’s reading and sits next to her. “You really beat Solo in a drinking contest?”

“Of course,” she replies, slightly hurt that he doesn’t believe her. “I always win. I’m the best at drinking.”

Cassian chuckles, leaning over to press a kiss to her forehead. “That’s my girl.”

“I’m not the drunk, though,” she insists again, reaching out to grip his hand. It’s important that he knows this, she thinks. “It takes more than a couple drinks to get me drunk.”

“Never said you were,” he replies, quirking an eyebrow up, then adds sarcastically, “You seem pretty sober to me.”

Good. She is pretty sober. It had only been a couple drinks and then some shots and then another drink. And a winning shot. Because she won.

“I think it’s time you get some sleep, okay?”

“Only if you stay with me,” she mumbles, eyes already closing. She doesn't want him to leave her alone, so she tightens her grip on his hand.

“I think that can be arranged,” he responds. At least, she thinks he does. When he says it, she’s already passed out.

She wakes up the next morning to Cassian shaking her shoulder gently. Her body aches, and her head feels like it’s going to split in two. “As much as I’d like to let you sleep, Mothma wants us in the meeting room.”

“ _Bullshit,_ ” Jyn groans, sitting up and rubbing her forehead. Everything is way too loud. “She knows that we were all up drinking and now she wants to punish us.”

“Not everyone drank as much as you,” he points out, helping her out of bed. She swats away his hands grumpily when he tries to help her with her shoes. “As I recall, Bodhi only had two drinks.”

“She’s out to get me, then,” she amends, tugging on her jacket and pressing her palm against her pounding forehead. “Me and Han.”

"Here," he hands her a glass of water. "This should help." 

"I'm not hungover," she mutters, but takes the glass anyway. The water helps -- but not much. "I didn't even have that much to drink."

That's a blatant lie and she knows Cassian doesn't believe her. But all he does is smirk and hold open the door, "After you, then."

Jyn _really_ wants to tackle him.

When they get to the meeting room, Han’s leaned up against the wall looking as bad as she feels. There’s dark circles under his eyes and his hood’s all the way up, hiding most of his face from view. When he catches her looking at him, he scowls. “Don’t you say anything about last night, Erso. Don’t you _dare_.”

Jyn opens her mouth to respond, but Cassian beats her to it. “There's really nothing to say, sir,” he says, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. There's a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth, yet he still keeps up formalities. “She _won_ , General Solo. That's all there is to it. ”

She smothers her laughter in Cassian's shoulder as Han sends an absolutely murderous glare their way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be short and look at where i am now.
> 
> anyway, i still haven't gotten around to seeing the other star wars movies because i'm the worst, so if anything's wrong, feel free to let me know! i think i'll post the next chapter (which is cassian's five) in a couple of days and then the last one a few days after that! everything's written, so don't worry about me not updating. 
> 
> thank you for reading, and i hope you enjoyed!


	2. cassian

**i.**

Growing up on a cold planet, Cassian doesn’t mind Hoth as much as the others. Sure, it’s hard getting out of a warm bed every morning, but it’s not bad as a whole. He’s cozy at night next to Jyn and the weather reminds him vaguely of Fest.

The only issue is how stiff the cold makes him. His limp has become more pronounced in the few weeks that they’ve been there and no matter what he says, nobody seems to believe him that it’s fine.

(“Fine” is a relative term, however. It aches almost as badly as it did right after he broke it on Scarif. But he’s not going to say that, of course.)

“You know,” Chirrut remarks pleasantly, one morning at breakfast. “Baze never complains about it, but I know his back get stiff in the cold, Captain.”

“I do not get _stiff_ ,” Baze growls, but Chirrut waves him off with a good-natured smile.

“Simply an observation,” he replies easily, turning to Cassian. “It’s been taking you longer to get to breakfast every morning. I can only assume that your leg is bothering you.”

Cassian sighs, resisting the urge to put his head in his hands. “I appreciate the concern, but my leg is fine.”

“I am not mistaken often, Captain. The Force shows me what I need to see.”

“Can the Force tell me where to find a good cup of caf?” Jyn slides onto the bench next to him. He winces slightly when she jostles his leg, but doesn’t think she notices. “I didn’t think it was possible, but the caf here is even shittier than on Yavin.”

Chirrut raises his cup to hers in a grim salute. “Unfortunately, the Force is silent on the issues that matter most.”

“It’s better than what they gave us when I was with the Empire,” Bodhi shrugs, looking down at the caf in his cup. “Better than nothing, I suppose.”

Jyn wrinkles her nose in disagreement. “I’ve had caf in prison that was better than this bantha shit.”

“They gave you caf in _prison_?”

“Once or twice in one of the labor camps,” she replies, seemingly unaffected with how Bodhi blanches at the offhand way she mentions her past. “They figured we’d work harder if we were more awake. We stopped getting it when someone died, though.” She takes a sip of her caf and grimaces. “Shame, really.”

“Right,” Bodhi says with a nod, draining the rest of his cup. “I think we should, uh, change the subject?”

Jyn snorts at that, but doesn’t say anything else about the time she spent in prison. Cassian, while wanting to know more about her past, doesn’t press it.

“Back to your leg then, Captain,” Chirrut says, pointing a finger in his direction.

“What’s wrong with your leg?” Jyn asks, trying to peek underneath the table.

“ _Nothing,_ ” he says through gritted teeth, shooting a glare at Chirrut. The blind man only grins. Cassian turns back to Jyn. “It’s fine. Just a little sore, is all.”

“All right,” she says. “I believe you.”

He doubts that very much.

She drains her cup, then stands up at the table. When he doesn’t follow her, she makes an irritated gesture with her hand. “After all, if your leg was hurting you, then you wouldn’t have agreed to spar with me today.”

“I didn’t -- “

Jyn hauls him up from the table and begins to pull him out of the mess. Cassian shoots the rest of the table an incredulous look -- _why are they going along with this?_ \-- but Baze only grins. “Have fun sparring.”

When they’re in the hallway and out of earshot, he spins on her. “Jyn, I can’t spar with you right now. Draven wanted to see me right after breakfast!”

“You’re a kriffing idiot,” is what she responds with instead, standing on her tiptoes to poke him in the chest. “Why didn’t you tell me your leg is bothering you?”

“I’m fine,” he stresses. “My leg is _fine_.”

“Don’t even try,” she shoots back, wagging her finger in his face. “I noticed the limping, but I _assumed_ you would say something if it got bad. Stars, Cass! We all have aches and pains. This cold is hell on my hip. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Your hip is bothering you?” Cassian asks, reaching for her. She bats him away with a scowl, grabbing his arm again and tugging him down the hallway.

“That’s not the point,” she hisses. They’re in front of their room, he realizes. Jyn punches the code for the door with so much force he thinks she’s going to poke right through i. Once they’re in the door, she’s pushing him back on the bed.  

“Jyn, I don’t really think now is a good time. I mean, not that I don’t -- “

“Oh, shut it,” she grouches, sitting down next to him. “Put your leg on my lap.”

Her tone leaves no room for argument, so he does it, albeit with a little confusion. He’s about to ask what the hell she’s doing when she digs her thumbs into a knot on his thigh and then he understands.

Her hands are magic, he thinks as she works out every bit of tension and gets the blood flowing again. His leg hasn’t felt this good in weeks, and there’s times where he almost has to shove his fist in his mouth to stop from moaning.

It’s over all too soon and he thinks his disappointment shows on his face when she laughs, patting his knee. “Don’t want to keep Draven waiting, do you? ”

Cassian groans, but gets up anyway. “Where did you learn to do that?”

“Spent some time in the medbay when I was with Saw,” she says. “After eight years of doing that occasionally, I learned a couple of things.”

He moves to leave -- he really does need to get to that meeting -- but she stops him. “You’ll tell me when it starts hurting again?”

“Only if you say something when your hip starts to ache.”

“ _I_ didn’t fall from a tower and break nearly every bone in my leg,” she points out, following him out the door. She pokes him in the chest. “You’ll meet me to spar after you talk to Draven, then?”

He raises his eyebrows, but lets her change the subject. “I thought that sparring was your cover?”

“It was,” Jyn shrugs, rolling her shoulders. “But I’m tired of beating people without a fight and since I helped you, you owe me.”

“I could use the practice,” he replies, once they’re standing at the entrance to the training room, “though you won’t be so cocky once I win.”

She scoffs at that, and he leaves feeling lighter than he has in days.

(He doesn’t win. She beats him two out of three and his body is _aching_ but his leg doesn’t feel as stiff anymore. When Jyn pins him in their last fight, he lets her parade around the gym, basking in her victory. It’s too hard for him to fight a grin at that -- when she’s happy, he is too.)

**ii.**

Cassian wakes with a strangled gasp. His heart is racing and he squeezes his eyes together tightly, as if trying to shake himself of his dream by sheer force of will alone.

All his life he’s been troubled with nightmares -- the silent kind that seem to sneak up on him every week or so, that startle him into awakeness and leave him struggling to breathe. They’re nothing like Jyn’s, which leave her hoarse from shouting, lashing out with her fists in attempt to fight what’s plaguing her dreams. Instead, it seems like he’s forced to suffer silently.

Sighing, he begins to untangle himself from Jyn, who had moved to pillow her head on his chest earlier in the night. There’s no chance for sleep, not anymore.

_He’s six years old and he’s on Fest and there’s a riot in the streets and he’s separated from his family. The crowd surges around him and he stumbles forward, not strong enough to fight against the wave of people struggling to escape._

_“Mami!” he calls out desperately, small voice choked with tears. A bomb goes off somewhere, and there’s screaming all around him and crying and he knows that no one will be able to hear him with all this noise but he still shouts anyway. “Papi!”_

“Cass?” Jyn mumbles, half-awake and groping at the where he had been laying earlier. “You okay?”

“I’m fine, _cariño_ ,” he whispers, leaning over to press a kiss to her forehead. She hums in contentment, reaching up toward him. He doesn’t even try to hide his smile, even though he knows she can’t see it. “It’s nothing.”

“I’m cold without you,” she says, slightly more coherent and tugs him back onto the bed. He lets her. It’s only when he’s wrapped up in her arms again that she asks sleepily, “Can’t sleep?”

_He’s ten years old and when he manages to sneak up behind his training instructor without being heard, the captain laughs and tells him he might be a good fit in Intelligence one day._

_He basks in the praise, unused to compliments._

Her thumb strokes his cheekbone and Cassian lets his eyes flutter shut for a moment. “No.”

“Nightmares?” she asks softly, all too understanding. His heart clenches -- someone like him doesn’t deserve someone like her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I -- _no._ I can’t,” he manages, clenching his hands to try and stop the shaking. “I’m sorry, I wish -- “

It’s as if Jyn can sense his panic. She pulls him tighter to her, letting him bury his head in her shoulder. Her fingers comb through his hair, stroking it gently. “It’s all right, Cassian. You don’t have to.”

_He’s eighteen years old, recently enlisted, and he’s laying on his stomach with a sniper rifle in his shaking hands. It’s hard to make out his target with his scope bouncing with each breath he takes, but he tries to remember his training in order to do this right._

_A breath in, a breath out. He pulls the trigger, watches what used to be the man’s head explode in bloody pieces, watches the body fall._

_He swallows his sickness and tries not to think of the man’s family, if he had one._

Cassian stays silent in her embrace for a little longer, focusing on the feeling of being in her arms and the sound of her quiet breathing next to him. It takes effort before he’s able to speak, and when he does, it’s a tangled mess of words.

“I don’t deserve this -- not after everything I’ve done -- and to be here, with you -- I don’t deserve _you_ \-- “

He struggles to pull out of her grip. Jyn lets him, propping herself up on one elbow as he sits on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have -- just go back to sleep. I’m _fine_ \-- “

_He’s twenty-one and there’s a civilian at his feet because his shot went too wide, and there’s a riot now, people running and screaming to get away from him._

_He’s twenty-three and he sees a woman crying for help, cradling a child in her arms, and he wishes that he could go to her, wishes that he could somehow help, but the mission comes first, the Rebellion always comes first --_

“Cassian,” she says, so clear that it cuts right through his thoughts. “You deserve this.”

It’s said so simply, so matter-of-fact, that there’s no question that Jyn believes what she’s saying.

He has no idea why.

“I’m not a good man, Jyn. The things I’ve done. . .” he trails off, unable to say it, unable let her see this side of him. If she knew, she would leave without looking back. And he’s selfish, he knows, to keep it from her, but he can’t bear to lose her because of his past.

She’s silent after that and Cassian is beginning to think that she slipped out without him hearing when she wraps an arm around his shoulders and sits next to him on the edge of the bed. Where his feet touch the cold tile floor, hers dangle.

“No,” she replies. “You’re not a good man. But I’m not good either. Hell, I was a criminal before coming here. But,” she gives his shoulder a tight squeeze, and this time, he doesn’t try to break away from her grasp, “we’re trying. Both of us may not be good people, but we’re trying to be better. And that’s all that really matters. That we’re _trying_.”

_He’s twenty-six and he’s falling from the archive tower from a blaster bolt to the shoulder, leaving Jyn stranded up by herself, forcing her to finish the mission alone._

_He thinks he hears his name before he blacks out._

When Jyn speaks again, it’s so quiet that he can barely make out what she’s saying. “I was fourteen. Saw decided it was time I lead my own op. There was this group of ‘troopers causing trouble, harassing everyone more than necessary. We were supposed to wait until dark and blow ‘em up.”

Her grip around him tightens. Cassian reaches over to grab her free hand. “I miscalculated. We planted the explosives too close to the slums and. . .well, we managed to get all of the stormtroopers. . .and a bunch of civilians too. I’d killed before, but never _civilians_. . .”

“Jyn -- “

“And when we got back to base, I was so scared of what Saw was going to do to me. I had messed it all up. But he didn’t do anything,” she laughs, but it’s not funny and her voice cracks. He flinches, hating the way it sounds. “He didn’t do anything except clap me on the back and tell me that I did a good job. _A good job_ , Cassian!”

This time, it’s his turn to comfort her. He pulls her shaking form to his chest, running his fingers through her hair. He struggles for the right words to comfort her. “Jyn, it wasn’t. . .”

“It absolutely was my fault,” she snaps, her voice muffled from being pressed against his shoulder. She sounds sadder when she speaks again. “But that’s my point. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, Cass.”

“I just. . .sometimes I wish that the Rebellion hadn’t found me.” _That I had died with the rest of my family back on Fest._

“I know,” she murmurs, reaching up to place a chaste kiss on his lips. “I know. Come back to bed with me?”

She’s leaving him a way out if he wants it and he knows she won’t judge him if he takes it.

But he doesn’t, instead deciding to curl up next to her and letting her soothe him back into sleep.

**iii.**

“What are you looking at?”

They’re in the middle of a marketplace, trying to blend in while looking for Cassian’s contact. Most of the things he’s picked up earlier were just for show, but the jar of spices in his hand now is very tempting.

He thinks they’re from Fest -- at least, that’s what the shopkeeper had said. Even if they’re not, the smell of them brings back memories from home. His mother in the kitchen cooking, his father wrapping his arms around her waist, all of them sitting around the table enjoying a fresh-cooked meal together. He only remembers a couple moments, but when he closes his eyes and breathes deeply, he thinks he can see his mother’s smile and hear his father’s laugh.

It’s a shame they’re not here for shopping.

“Just some spices,” he says easily, setting them back down on the table and ignoring the way his heart clenches when he turns away. _The mission comes first._

Jyn gives him a dubious look, standing on her tiptoes to get a look at what the vendor is selling, but he places his hand at the small of her back and guides her away.

_The Rebellion comes first._

The rest of the mission happens without any issues, just like he expected. He loses Jyn briefly when he meets up with his contact, but she finds him a couple of minutes later without any stormtroopers trailing her. Besides her coat looking bulky, she looks unscathed -- probably just stole someone else’s blaster for a change. He takes that as a sign that she didn’t get into any trouble behind his back.

What he doesn’t expect is the blaster that’s supposedly in Jyn’s jacket turns out to be an enormous number of spice jars that he really isn’t sure how she managed to carry all the way back to the ship.

“I didn’t know which one you wanted,” she says when he doesn’t respond, instead deciding to gape at her like a fish out of water. “So I got them all. Hope that’s okay.”

“Jyn, I. . .” he picks up the jar he had looked at in the marketplace and unscrews the cap. The smells of spices filling the cockpit reminds him of home and he closes his eyes, just for a second, breathing it in. “Thank you. How did you. . .?”

“I didn’t steal them!” She says defensively, crossing her arms. “Well -- not all of them. But I did use up all of our credits the Alliance gave us.”

When he sets the jar back down on the floor, lid screwed on tightly, he’s grinning so hard his face might split in half. He pulls Jyn into a hug. _“Thank you.”_

“It’s not a big deal,” she mutters, pushing him away. Her face is slowly turning red. “You just looked so sad in the marketplace, so I thought you might like them.”

“They’re from Fest,” he admits, and her eyes go round with understanding. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been reminded of home.”

She nods at that. “Since I bought them, I think I deserve a nice home-cooked meal then, don’t you?”

“As I recall,” he remarks drily, “you said you didn’t buy _all_ of them. But -- “ he holds up a finger when she opens her mouth to argue, “I think something can be arranged.”

**iv.**

Cassian wakes up with a pounding headache and chattering teeth despite the amount of blankets (and Jyn) that should be keeping him warm. It’s early, too early for him to be getting up, so he pulls the blankets back over his head with a muffled groan and sinks back into sleep.

An alarm goes off a couple hours later, he thinks, though he’s not quite sure. The beeping only intensifies the ache in his head and while he knows that he should get up to turn it off, he decides to instead put his pillow over his head for some blessed relief.

Jyn wakes up a couple seconds later, alarm still blaring into the otherwise silent room. She doesn’t notice anything off -- usually, she’s the first one up and out of bed, ready to go while he’s still half-asleep. She gets out of bed quickly, slamming her fist on the alarm. The silence eases the tension a bit, but it’s still a struggle to move.

Too bad the Empire never sleeps. Because of that, the Rebellion doesn’t either.

He rolls out of bed with a groan, only barely managing to stand up on his on. He stays there for a moment, eyes shut tight to try and stop the dizziness.

“Cassian? Force, you look _terrible_.”

Jyn’s at his side in an instant, pushing him back on the bed. When she presses her cold hand to his forehead he sighs in relief. “You’re burning up. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I’m fine, Jyn,” he rasps, struggling weakly to stand back up. “It’s just hot in here.”

“Don’t try that with me,” she responds, sounding cross. “You’re sick.”

“I’m not sick. I have to fly out later tonight.”

“Like hell you are,” she scoffs, pulling on her boots. She hides a yawn behind the back of her hand and he almost asks her to come lay down next to him. “I’ll tell them to give you a couple extra days. Stay here and rest. I’ll bring you some food once I’m done training.”

She pauses at the door. “You’ll be okay by yourself, right? I don’t know what Bodhi’s schedule is today, but I could ask him to stay with you if you wanted.”

“I’m not that sick,” he mutters. Besides the headache and the chills and the fever, anyway. “I’m fine.”

“Right. Well. Don’t move. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

As soon as she’s out the door, he’s up and moving. It’s a lot harder to get dressed when you can barely think straight, he realizes, after putting his boots on the wrong feet twice, but when he leaves the room a couple minutes later, he thinks he looks at least somewhat put together.

The lights in the hallway seem brighter than usual. He has to squint to see, which is why he doesn’t notice Jyn leaning up against the wall across from their room until he refocuses himself. (Or maybe it’s because he’s sicker than he originally thought.)

“Really, Cass?” She grabs his arm and tows him back into the bedroom. “Get some kriffing rest. You’re no good to anyone like this.”

He tries to resist, though he doesn’t remember much before falling back asleep. He thinks he hears Jyn laughing as she takes off his boots (it feels better once they’re off, for some reason) but that’s it. When she kisses his forehead, he’s completely out of it.

When he wakes up later in the day, he still feels like shit but considerably better than before. He’s not as cold and the pounding in his head as dulled to an ache. Jyn’s sitting next to him, a datapad propped up on her knees.

“I thought you had training.”

“Welcome back to the land of the living,” she replies drily, setting her datapad onto the bed next to her. “You feeling any better? Apparently there’s something going around base.”

“Not really,” he admits, trying to sit up. “Better that now you’re here, though.”

“Yeah, well. I told Draven you’re not feeling well, then decided to skip training to make sure you didn’t make another escape attempt.”

“And that’s the only reason you came back?”

There’s a sign before she leans her head up against his shoulder. “I _might_ have been a bit worried about you.”

“Jyn Erso, ignoring orders just because I’m sick?” he teases. “You must really like me.”

“Go back to sleep, Cassian,” she says, sounding annoyed, but he knows she doesn’t mean it.

Maybe he can take a day or two off after all.

**v.**

Cassian’s holed up in their room when Jyn finds him, huddled over something he’s been working on for weeks. It’s cold enough in their room that his fingers are starting to stiffen up and it’s becoming harder and harder to go without wearing gloves.

He’s swearing quite colorfully when she walks in, not noticing her until she’s peering over his shoulder. “What are you working on?”

 _“Nothing!_ _“_ He answers quickly, shoving his project into the pocket of his parka and turning around to face her despite his surprise. There’s an amused look on her face that makes him think she doesn’t believe him. “It’s nothing. Just working on something. I, uh, thought you and Solo wouldn’t be back until tomorrow?”

“We finished up early,” she says with a shrug, taking a seat on the edge of their bed. “Solo wanted to see Leia. Force, I’ve missed sleeping on something _comfortable_.”

“Is that all?” He teases, watching her sprawl out on their bed with an exaggerated moan.

“I mean, I guess I wanted to see you,” she mumbles. And as if she knew that her comment would cause him to smirk, she props herself up on her elbows to shoot him a look. “Don’t let it get to your head, Andor.”

“Me? Never,” he promises with a roguish grin, placing his elbows on his knees to support his head. “I’m flattered that you’d make Solo hurry up so you could come and see me.”

Jyn groans, letting her head fall back on the bed. “You’re horrible. I shouldn’t have said anything!”

Cassian only laughs at that, knowing that she doesn’t mean it in the slightest. When she finally rolls herself off the bed, he looks her over, noticing the grime that’s covering her. “Are you hurt?”

“Nothing serious,” she assures him, stretching her arms over her head until her back pops. “A couple of bruises. Nothing a hot shower can’t fix.”

“Don’t use up all the hot water,” he responds, knowing that she’ll stay in that shower until it goes cold. He doesn’t mind, not really, since he knows she could probably count on one hand the number of hot showers she’d taken before she’d come to the Rebellion, but there’s nothing worse than taking a freezing shower on a cold planet.

Throwing her jacket (his, actually, before she commandeered it) onto a chair, she smirks. “I won’t if you tell me what you’re working on when I came in.”

“Just some repairs on one of Kay’s hands.” The words spill out too quick for him to be telling the truth.

“But you’ve never hidden it from me before,” she tilts her head to the side, furrowing her brows. “I don’t believe you, Captain.”

“Fine,” he says in mock-exasperation, throwing up his hands with a laugh. “It’s a gift. For you.”

Jyn freezes. In a blink of an eye, he can see her shut down in front of him, her face becoming a blank mask. His eyebrows furrow; this is not the kind of response he had been expecting.

“Oh.” Her words are monotone and she stiffly picks up her jacket from the chair she had just flung it on. At his look of confusion, she elaborates. “When are you leaving?”

“What do you mean, ‘when am I leaving?’” He stands up, trying to meet her eyes. She won’t look at him. “Jyn, it’s a gift.”

“I know what a gift means, Cassian,” she snaps, turning away from him. “When are you going? Tonight? Trying to make me feel better when you don’t come back?”

“I’m not leaving, Jyn,” he says firmly, reaching out to grab her arm and turn her back toward him. “I’m not going anywhere. Why would you even _think_ that?”

She reaches up to the hollow of her throat where he knows her necklace used to be, then drops her hand. “People have done it before,” she mutters. “Give me things, then leave.”

“You’ve never -- “

“After all,” she crosses her arms across her chest, shrinking away from him ever so slightly, “Saw gave me a blaster and a pack of rations, then left me in a bunker and never came back.”

While a blaster and rations wouldn’t normally be considered a gift, he understands where she’s coming from. “Jyn, look at me.” When she does, he continues, “I’m making you something because I want to. Not because I’m going to leave. Go take a shower, okay?” He brushes some hair off of her forehead and smiles down at her. “I’m almost finished. Give me a couple more minutes.”

“All right,” she says, setting the jacket back down on the chair. Her actions are a little more wary now. At the door to the ‘fresher, she hesitates, then asks, “You’re going to be here when I get out of the shower?”

“I’m not leaving you. I promise,” he replies firmly, waiting until she closes the door to turn back to his worktable. When she’s gone, he runs his hand through his hair with a sigh. It’s not the first time that he wishes that she had never been dragged into any of this, and it won’t be the last.

He pulls her gift out of his pocket when he hears the shower turn on. It’s a necklace, very similar to the one that she’d lost on Scarif. While he knew it was important to her, he didn’t know why, but he had decided to do something when he noticed that it was gone.

Kyber crystals had been hard to come by even before the Empire started buying them up to power the Death Star, so he hadn’t been able to find a replacement. Instead, he had picked out a stone and had it carved in a similar shape. It doesn’t look anything like the necklace she had before, but the stone is a pretty green that reminds him of her eyes.

He hopes she likes it, despite the differences.

Threading the cord through the stone is proving harder than he originally thought, especially with the cold. He manages it when she pokes her head out of the ‘fresher, dressed in one of his shirts and toweling off her hair. “Are you finished?”

“Just about,” he says, then hides the necklace behind his back. “Close your eyes.”

She does so immediately, and for a moment, he’s floored by her trust. Jyn Erso doesn’t let people in easily, he knows, and Force -- he’s so thankful he’s able to see this side of her. “I’m coming up behind you,” he murmurs so she doesn’t spook, and loops the necklace around her neck. She flinches slightly, but doesn’t open her eyes until he’s standing in front of her.

“It’s a necklace,” he explains when she’s looking down at it, holding it in her hands. “I knew the one you had before Scarif was important to you and I tried to find another kyber crystal but I couldn’t, so I hope this is okay.” He’s rambling now and he knows it, but she’s still not saying anything. “If you don’t like it, that’s -- “

There’s tears in her eyes when she grabs him into a fierce hug. It startles him, and for a second, he just stands there before wrapping his arms around her. “Thank you,” she whispers. “I love it.”

When she pulls away, she’s gripping her necklace in a clenched fist. It takes her a second to get the words out. “The one I had earlier -- my mother gave it to me. Before she was killed.”

“Jyn, I didn’t know -- “

She cuts him off. “It was all I had left of her. And then it became just another thing Scarif took away from me. But now you’ve given me this and. . .it’s special too.”

If his eyes tear up, just a little bit, she doesn’t mention it. “I’m glad you like it,” he manages.

“Yeah,” she says softly, looking down at stone, then back up at him. Her eyes seem brighter now that she has it on. “Yeah. I like it a lot.”

Days pass, weeks go by, and soon it’s a month later, but Cassian notes, with a hint of pride, that she hasn’t taken it off since he gave it to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two things - i'm almost 100% sure that they wouldn't serve caf in prison, but i just went along with it for the Joke u feel? and in cassian's nightmare, i'm not completely positive if the ages are correct, i just went along with his age from rogue one and went backwards so i hope that's cool w/ everyone (and kinda makes sense lmao)
> 
> ALSO i finally watched a new hope yesterday! (i know i'm the worst) it was cool finally having a visual reference for what i already knew and hopefully i can finish watching the original trilogy in the next couple days
> 
> as always, thank you so much for reading! the third (and final) one shot will be posted in a couple days!


	3. +1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to jyn's pov!

**i.**

They’re curled up in bed like they are most nights, with Cassian propping a datapad on his stomach and Jyn reading it over his shoulder. It’s quickly become a routine, spending most of their evenings next to each other to stay warm. The mission briefing could easily be read sitting at a desk, but both of them prefer to do it this way.

If she had to put a name to their relationship, she wouldn't be able to. If they’re dating or lovers or simply just dependent on each other. Despite that, she doesn’t mind what other people call it -- whatever it is, it works.

After all, there’s no one else in the galaxy that she trusts more than him, and after spending majority of her life by herself, it's nice having someone there to watch her back for her.

“Well,” he says finally. “This sounds like another routine trip.”

“Mhmm,” she agrees. In truth, she had stopped reading the datapad about twenty minutes ago, happier just to lie next to him. “It’s no fun when we don’t get to fight anyone.”

“Only you,” he mutters, rubbing her back gently, “would find fun in fighting.”

“Please. I’m sure I’m not the _only_ one.”

“Baze, too,” he says, with humor in his eyes. “That’s why you two get on so well.”

That’s _exactly_ why they’re so close. One of the reasons, anyway.

It’s one of the reasons her and Cassian work so well together too. She starts trouble and he bails her out of it. Or he talks his way into a mess and she fights their way out of it. It’s one of the best partnerships she’s ever had -- and for some reason, as Cassian goes over the briefing once more before bed, she feels like she should tell him that.

And maybe something else too. Something that she’s never said to him before, but she’s never needed to.

Well. There's no time like the present.

“Cassian. I need to tell you something.” She fingers the necklace he gave her absently. Just like her mother's crystal, it gives her strength too. 

“Hmm?”

Jyn considers lying for a second, backing out and cracking a joke instead. It would be a lot easier than admitting her feelings for him -- something that’s never been easy for her.

But he trusts her and she trusts him, so she owes him this.

“I like you,” she says quickly, as if to get it over with. That gets his attention. “Quite a bit. More than anyone else.”

He chuckles, setting down the datapad on the table near the bed and pulls her closer to him. “I would hope so,” he murmurs into her hair. “Or else this would be a little awkward.”

“I’m serious,” she laughs, pushing him away so she can look him in the eyes.

“I like you quite a bit too,” he teases back. But when he looks at her face, he sobers up. “What’s wrong?”

She pauses for a second, searching his face. “I think I might, uh -- you know, be in _love_ with you.”

A pause. “You are?”

“Yeah,” she exhales shakily. “Yeah, I’m sure.” And now that she’s said it, she’s confident about it.

Jyn’s in love with him.

“I -- “ he takes a breath. “I’m in love with you too. I think.”

“Good,” she replies. “That’s -- good.”

Then she leans forward to capture his lips with her own. Her kiss doesn’t have the heat it usually does; it’s gentle and loving and Force, she hadn’t known she had needed something like this until now.

It almost seems unfair to ask him this, but she needs to hear it. Everyone she’s loved has left her in the past -- her mother, her father, Saw -- so it’s something she has to do. “You’re not going to leave me, are you?”

“Never, _cariño_ ,” he says. She's almost overcome by the passion in his eyes, and that alone is enough to convince her. “I will never leave you. Not by choice.”

“Good,” she whispers. Even though she already knew the answer to that, it’s reassuring to hear it spoken out loud. At the very least, it’s a weight off her shoulders. “I’m not going anywhere either. My place is with you.” It's something that he needs to hear as well.

“I know,” he replies softly, caressing her face with his hand. She leans into his touch.

And in this moment, Jyn realizes that it's been a long time since she's finally felt at home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here is the (short) finale! thank you so, so much to all of my readers and i hope you enjoyed!!


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